Birthday, acknowledgement and acceptance

My 39th birthday came and went and while it was a fantastic day with lots of love, it was extremely difficult for me to receive all the attention I was given.

Over the past few days, I have struggled with tying my success, my failures, my struggles and my constant negativity to how I feel about my physical appearance.

I know, I could do things differently to change my physical health.  Part of my struggle with my weight goes back to the extreme amount of pain I’m in every day and using food as a comfort for that pain. This utter disgust for my physical state came to head over the weekend when my bed frame collapsed under us due to the excessive load it was taking on.  So a new bed is ordered but my pride is pretty bruised in the interim.

I’ve been going through physical therapy for my back for the past four weeks.  None of the pain has subsided in any way, shape or form and am hoping there is a next step to help move forward with a plan to reclaim my health.  Right now I hate myself. I hate my body and I hate feeling the way that I do. I’m hoping acknowledging these feelings will help me move past them.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971)

I don’t know if I am able to determine the things I can and cannot change. I don’t know what I can and cannot accept right now because I feel so mired by over-analyzing and over-thinking every possible situation. I don’t know if I can accept my current physical limitations, which is probably why I have additionally injured myself.  I don’t know if I can change what I put in my mouth because I don’t want to and can’t accept that I don’t. I don’t know how I’ll feel about myself for not deciding to make the change.  Maybe I need to accept that my injury has to be solved first.

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