Today is a day I just feel broken.
Not long ago, my oldest child expressed to me he didn’t want to speak to me and hasn’t in a few months. There are days this fact just weighs heavily on me. I can’t control his actions, or his opinions. Not only does physical pain wreck my body but this emotional pain stings more fiercely and deeply. It’s a very reminiscent of how I treated my dad at that age though.
When I was 18, I packed every possession I cared about in my car, and intended to pull out of the driveway never seeing my parents again. They fiercely objected to my engagement. I went awhile without speaking to my parents, but they came to the wedding. I can’t imagine the helplessness they felt because I feel it now.
I’m in a situation I can’t control and I just feel heartbroken that I can’t hear my son’s voice or hear about how things are going for him. I seem to spiral in this guilt of wondering what I did wrong, what I could of done differently and how I can prevent a situation like this with my other children.
I still text him daily, I don’t get a response, but I’d like to keep hoping that someday I will.
My 39th birthday came and went and while it was a fantastic day with lots of love, it was extremely difficult for me to receive all the attention I was given.
Over the past few days, I have struggled with tying my success, my failures, my struggles and my constant negativity to how I feel about my physical appearance.
I know, I could do things differently to change my physical health. Part of my struggle with my weight goes back to the extreme amount of pain I’m in every day and using food as a comfort for that pain. This utter disgust for my physical state came to head over the weekend when my bed frame collapsed under us due to the excessive load it was taking on. So a new bed is ordered but my pride is pretty bruised in the interim.
I’ve been going through physical therapy for my back for the past four weeks. None of the pain has subsided in any way, shape or form and am hoping there is a next step to help move forward with a plan to reclaim my health. Right now I hate myself. I hate my body and I hate feeling the way that I do. I’m hoping acknowledging these feelings will help me move past them.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971)
I don’t know if I am able to determine the things I can and cannot change. I don’t know what I can and cannot accept right now because I feel so mired by over-analyzing and over-thinking every possible situation. I don’t know if I can accept my current physical limitations, which is probably why I have additionally injured myself. I don’t know if I can change what I put in my mouth because I don’t want to and can’t accept that I don’t. I don’t know how I’ll feel about myself for not deciding to make the change. Maybe I need to accept that my injury has to be solved first.
It’s always amazing to me how easily the negative soundtrack plays in my mind. Over and over.
I actually contemplated not posting any more. I constantly thought about how other’s may receive this content. I heard myself speculate “She’s weak”, “Why is she whining?”, “It could be worse you should be grateful”. I recently had a friend send me this video and even though incredibly funny, it gave me some perspective.
The perspective is, this blog isn’t here for anyone but myself. While I’m sharing it publicly, it really isn’t for anyone. I decided to leverage this forum to get it out of my head and written down to release it from being bottled up. It’s been a constant battle to overcome the scrutiny I put myself under. Every failure feels critical, every victory insignificant.
Changing this mind process is one I’ve yet to overcome. It’s impacted almost every area of my life from sleep and health to work and family.
I’ve been fortunate to have friends who’ve reached out and have always been there. This brings on a whole different set of panic. I’ve never wanted to be a burden and that’s exactly what I’ve turned into. There are so many people I care about that carry their own burdens and worrying about mine is a situation I’ve never wanted to create. The cycle is vicious, it’s relentless, and I can’t seem to find a way out. Each encounter creates its own cycle and I feel trapped by my own mind.
I have the honor to be your Obedient Servant,
Being a Marine Corps veteran is one of my greatest sources of pride. Yesterday was yet another indicator of my over-commitment due to that pride and fear of disappointing others I care about. We hosted a military care package drive at work to send to troops deployed to Turkey. Because we had never organized an event like this, we tried to keep it small scale so we could assess how we can execute drives in the future.
Clearly, we exceeded the amount we thought we would get. I had to enlist the help of my husband to get everything transported home so all the paperwork can be filled out and these boxes taken to the post office. A task I put solely on myself.
Supporting deployed service members is something I find as a great honor to do, but I didn’t always feel that way. I spent many years after my divorce unable to muster empathy or support for military members overseas. The dynamic of infidelity abroad and at home left a sour taste in my mouth and didn’t want to continue supporting in my opinion, the destruction of families that military deployment inflicted. I felt so disgusted with some of the behavior that I felt ashamed to be a military veteran during that time.
My passion for veterans and the military was reignited when I started working for Disney. I was very fortunate to have a manager that submitted my name to be involved in the first Veteran’s Institute where I got to stand on stage with Michelle Obama.
This event led to the formation of our military diversity resource group at Disney Parks and Resorts. I’m very fortunate and grateful to work with a pretty incredible group of people.
This is an older photo of the team, actually the first photo. Since December 2014, I worked with this group and only a few faces have changed and a few new ones have been added. Working alongside these folks is something I truly enjoy but again I have to force myself to take a step back and look at how all these activities are impacting me. With the three year anniversary of this group coming in December, at what point do I pass the baton? How do I empower others to want to be involved and continue to support this group in the future?
Contemplating this puts me into almost an immediate panic attack because I worry about how I will be perceived if I step away, and how I will feel about myself if I do. The thing is, I want to keep doing it, I do like it and truly enjoy everything and everyone involved with it. Something I will have to continue to work on, work out and work with as time goes on.
I have the honor to be your Obedient Servant,
Today was a doozy. I started out with waking up late and rushing to work due to a rough night’s sleep again. Coffee save me!
I started out the morning attending the Creative Couch session at work. This is an overview of marketing and sales activity within the company and market. Pretty good information until it got to a particular campaign at Shanghai Disneyland which is now celebrating it’s one year anniversary.
I’ve scoured the internet looking for it but unable to find the exact commercial that was shown. The video clip showed a Dad that was a taxi driver in Shanghai ferrying families to and from Disneyland. You see him working hard, eating lunch in his car, and missing time with his children. After losing my dad just 19 months ago, it left me as a puddle on the floor.
You see, my dad was that hard worker that took us to Disneyland in Anaheim.
Coming to grips with my dad’s death is something I still struggle with. Part of this is due to the fact that I lacked remorse when it happened. I actually felt a sense of relief. And I’ve pretty much punished myself everyday for it since. My dad was a big pain in the ass and there are many people reading this near and far who will whole-heartedly agree with me. He took it as a personal mission to inflict malcontent on almost every situation he came across. He would switch sides to argue the opposite and be a constant negative force. I never really forgave myself for the relief I felt and it’s been this constant anvil I’ve carried around since. While my dad was an SOB, I loved him. We fought, argued, laughed and spent countless fun times together. I still can’t stop myself from the instant tears that form when I think about how I should feel now that he’s gone.
I do miss him. I do feel awful that I ignored his final call to me the day he passed. But when I see those family heartfelt moments portrayed in movies or commercials, I can’t stop the lump that forms in my throat or the tears that follow. My dad was a P.I.A. S.O.B. and I have to be O.K. with feeling that way. He was also a great dad that worked hard, taught me how to hammer a nail, change oil on a car, ride a motorcycle and hike a mountain. Oh and he took us to Disneyland too.