And the mother of the year award goes to………

Today is a day I just feel broken.

 

Not long ago, my oldest child expressed to me he didn’t want to speak to me and hasn’t in a few months. There are days this fact just weighs heavily on me.  I can’t control his actions, or his opinions. Not only does physical pain wreck my body but this emotional pain stings more fiercely and deeply. It’s a very reminiscent of how I treated my dad at that age though.

When I was 18, I packed every possession I cared about in my car, and intended to pull out of the driveway never seeing my parents again.  They fiercely objected to my engagement. I went awhile without speaking to my parents, but they came to the wedding. I can’t imagine the helplessness they felt because I feel it now.

I’m in a situation I can’t control and I just feel heartbroken that I can’t hear my son’s voice or hear about how things are going for him. I seem to spiral in this guilt of wondering what I did wrong, what I could of done differently and how I can prevent a situation like this with my other children.

I still text him daily, I don’t get a response, but I’d like to keep hoping that someday I will.

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